Days...

Just incase you haven't noticed from my posts, I've felt like shit lately.

I'm really sorry, I don't like feeling like I'm being a whiny bitch, or the possibility of depressing you all.

I don't take things well. I seriously, just the other day, wound up breaking down outside of my own fucking home. By own home, I mean the apartment I live in with my name being one of the two on the lease.

I broke down because I had had a petty a snippy moment with one of my room mates. I also had wound up making it worse when it hadn't really become anything. 

Then my over active brain just couldn't take shit, because that stupid moment hadn't even been my real problem.

My problem is that I'm depressed. Half is because of shit going on in my life at present, the other half is old demons mixed with the unknown.

I love my friends and everything, but they don't fucking GET it. But then I overthink and feel bad, because, what of they DO get it and I'm just a blind fool???

I don't know...

I don't freaking know, I never have....

But seriously, I broke down sobbing like a helpless child. Outside my own home. Because I couldn't force myself to suck it up and just go in. Because it didn't feel like home. It's just another place where I have to continuously pretend I'm alright.

Because I'm so afraid of not being alright. So afraid of the madness taking me. So I pretend to be crazy and hyper. Sometimes it's a nice feeling and genuine. Most of the tone it's a desperate bid to not become truly insane......

I broke down, because I am lost, so lost. Ifs been a little over 2 years since I left home. The biggest cause of my depression and pain.

But I just keep falling apart again and again. It's so scary when I think about how much that pain had become my definition of normal and my destroying strength.

I had been so much stronger, I felt. But really, the constant barrage just never gave me time to lower my walls, or see my surroundings.

I was the epitome of a ray of sunshine and happiness. I was helpful, caring, giving. Always had a smile on my face. Not the best at being an older sibling, but pretty darn good when it was needed. I was outgoing and a perfect people person. Other families loved me. Their kids thought I was fun and cool.

But I was none of that. I've never cut myself. But that's because I didn't want to deal with the consequences, if I was ever caught. So I substituted and drew on myself. I always had a drawing on me, whether you could see it or not.

I was never bulimic, but that's because I can't really gag myself. Even when I choke. I just sit in silence and try to work my throat muscles to dislodge the unwanted object.

I'm not anorexic, pretty much for the same reason that I don't cut.

I'm a binge eater, though. I had a system for when I was getting really bad. I'd draw a bunch of stuff all over my arms and go for three days without eating, then feel like I was about to explode on the 4th day because I would binge.

I've never really trusted someone. Yet I was seen as being too trusting.

I was homeschooled and pretty much didn't leave my house unless we had rare things to go to. Like a homeschool group outing or movie night for the teens. Or one of the several trips we made to the store. I still don't know for what it was, though. 

We had dogs, which was/is one of the few things that saved me. Loved my babies.

But now I'm free. When in not working or sleeping, I can oh wherever I want to, talk to who ever I want. I don't have to hide, right? 

I wish that were true.

I'm the nice friend. I'm the good person. I can't just snap.  Need to get over so many things. I'm not the only one who's had a bad childhood.

I know this, I don't think I'm the only one with a bad past.

But when you say shit like that, I feel worse. I feel bad for feeling bad. I try to be good and nice all the time. But everything is so weird. The old things that used to barrage my walls are no longer their. So everything makes it's way around those walls. I keep trying to step out of my shell, but I feel like a deer staring at disco ball headlights.

I love people. They're such interesting creatures. I love to see them smile and curious. I love children and babies. So much potential always waiting to be unlocked. I love the interaction with the

world. They make me laugh and satisfy the need to not have to always sit and talk to myself. Such uniqueness and complexity.

However, there's another side of me.

I fear people. So much that I can't just talk to a stranger. I abhorred being flittered with it treated like a piece of meat. I fear being hurt. I fear making a fool of myself. I fear hurting people because I'm a hopeless imbecile. I'd rather observe them from a dark corner....

There's a catch to this, though. If I have a friend with me or some kind of safety net I can lean on, wether visible to others or not. I can turn into one of those extremely extroverted people.

I'm loud but quiet. I'm hyper but calm. I'm one giant contradiction!

But forever, it seems, I'm sad and lost. I'm broken and worthless.

LOOK AT ME... I scream silently.

Forget me... I beg the ones that try to get close...

Because I'll hurt you with my lack or social understanding. You'll hurt me with your lack of understanding my depression.

PLEASE, don't tell me I need to just fight it and get over it.

What do you think I'm trying to do???

Why do you think I force myself to be happy!? It hurts do ducking much. Do you lot realize this???

I can't just learn it when I constantly forced to give you answers I don't believe.

Please, if I answer "I don't know" I'm not just trying to avoid the question. I swear in not...

I really don't know.

I wish so badly that I did, though....

I wish so, so badly....

I'm going to end this post now. I'm sorry for bugging so much of your time. If you couldn't make it to th end of this, I don't blame you...

Thank you for reading as far as you could, though. 

Sixth senses

I'm combining these two questions into one post and making them one question, while still leaving them as two.

What's your opinion of a well run government? I don't know? Maybe not one run by 5 yearolds trying to hold up a constitution they've forgotten how to read?

Should people be given a higher level of input in government? Only if their willing to further their understanding of what a constitution made FOR THE PEOPLE BY PEOPLE is. Also, if they're willing to learn how to read better than the current 5 yearolds.

Fifth seat

What do you think about politics?: My younger self would have said I hated  them, end of argument. I still say that I hate them. But mostly I hate them because of the evil people use politics for. Ever heard of picking the lesser of two evils? I don't think that's a possibility anymore. The evils used for it just "greater" and greater each passing moment. I dislike politics. I abhore politicians. Mostly due to the fact that there has yet to be a truly honest or at least 90% decent politician.... :\

Another day....many days ago....

This is how I was feeling a few weeks ago. But I was too lazy to put it down on more than just my tumblr blog. But since I can't think of anything to put on here as of right now. I'll just put this down. I'm not really going to edit it so it makes sense. 'Cause I'm lazy! lol

Another day, another morning. Another moment in time where I realise I do NOT want to leave the comfort of my bed. Then I realize I have that person’s blanket on my bed. I don’t know why but having ti there makes me feel very childish. So I violently push it off and go get the blanket that the other person found for me.

I won’t get rid of That Person’s blanket, might just hide it in my closet for a while. Because I want to slam a brick in That Person’s face. I really shouldn’t. Thought I would be better. But I guess I’m still attached to human emotions on a deeper level than I thought. Oh well. I’ll survive somehow…

For now I’m going to be using The Other Person’s blanket, for a while. It makes me feel better. Everyone else seems to be taking this better than me. Guess I really am just a hopeless kid at heart.

That’s probably the exact thing that I’m hiding from. Cause I can’t remember exactly when I started hiding. I just know I was young and I haven’t been able to stop since. Yay me. Ugh.

Now I’m socially awkward when my extrovert side is raging to be let free. Also I look even more socially enept when my introverted side decides it doesn’t want to deal with the stupidity of people and really doesn’t feel like small talk and pointless social observations. So I curl up in a corner and stick my face in either my phone or computer screen. Or a nice college lined notebook with a pen that hleps me write smoothely.

I also, most likely, will have some sort of noise going on in the background. Wether it’s my music or just the sound off rain. I think I’m a pluvophile. I nearly had a freak attack when I first found the rain app on my computer. Then it was one of the first things I downloaded when I got my first smart phone. Which, believe it or not, I’ve only had my smart phone since January of this year. o_O

What the what??? Am I really that technologically enept as well?? Yes. Because I like to procrastinate. So, if I can’t immediately connect the need for an item, I just don’t get it. Unless it’s a book. But that comparison doesn’t mean anything. I always feel an immediate need for a book. The only time I don’t get a book is when commonsense bites me and tells me I need to be able to still drive to work, so I can get more money, so I can get more books, and random note books.

Quick, someone tell me the word for a person addicted to paper??? if my friends wouldn’t yell at me I would buy like five notebooks or journals every time I went in a store that had those items. No freaking joke. I WOULD and WILL. I adore paper. Pens as well. That’s why I don’t really like ebooks. Will I read online??? Yes, that would be waste of a good story! Why would I blaspheme myself as a writer and book lover by denying a story to be read???

Oh gooblygarble…. I need to stop writing. I think this will be the longest post I have yet written on tumblr. I gotta remember not to drown you people out. I know! I will end this post with a bunch of random questions. Why not? I don’t even remember what I was previously ranting about. I do that a lot. I drive myself crazier, sometimes. When I do that, that is. Haha.

What anime do you like?

What books do you like?

What manga do you like?

Does anybody have a recipe for authentic ramen, non instant???

Kirk or Picard?

What Scifi shows do you like?

What’s your favorite genre of music?

Who out there knows that a banana is actually a berry!?!?

Who shot FIRST?

Why do I think that my insanity is anymore special than any of the other nut jobs on this site(or in the world)? Also, have you ever wished something inanimate would start bleeding when you stab it, so you don’t have to deal with hiding a body and all that stupid shit people you kill leave you with. I mean, come on. Didn't you do enough work? You killed them, right? They could at least go temp zombie and clean up the mess for you. Geez man.

This, sentient creatures, this is why I am a Chatterbox!

Wootwoot, see yah around!

DAISUKI!

I call one of my friends Isis, in my head. She doesn't know I do this, though. I do it because my friend is a template for most of my strong female characters.

I also love the name Isis.

My friend should be happy I have her used as Isis’ template. Isis gets a dragon, is a seer, she also has power over mature. Like animals, plus she’s able to make awesome poisons and potions, with ease, because her powers allow her to identify any type of flora and control any type of fauna.
She can influence the other elements, but cannot control them. She can sense if there’s poison in the water and cleanse it, cause she has healing nature hands, bitches.

The thing I like the most, I’d that I made her a butchers daughter. Her whole being is attuned to the power of nature and life, but she is in tune with understanding of death. Only reason she is able to make poisons and still eat meat.

I like it.

There yah go, thought you might want something random for the day. =]

Quad

Do I believe in aliens?: Yes and no. I like the thought of aliens. But I hate what I know the human race would do if ones ever showed their faces to the public. I like also to believe that angels are actually aliens... Because the bible never said they were "human". :]

Thrice

If religion is not believed. What would I believe in?: More like hope that humanity wakes up and realizes it doesn't have to be the human norm to be cruel, deceptive, selfish and oblivious.

Second

Which religion?: True Christianity.....do you know what I, personally, mean? ;]

First

First question refitted so I can answer it. I don't plan on giving elaborate answers. :]

Belief in religion?: Yes

Imagine

I have no idea why I did that for the title. Or DO I??? heheh, you'll never know, now will you. Actually the reason I did that was because right at the moment that I was thinking what the title should be, a song I was listening to said the word "imagine". So, yeah, not everything I do is really that random and weird. It just comes out sounding like it is, cause it doesn't really make sense to other people. **shrugs** oh well.

I'm just bored right now. Like normal. I'm going to set this post to post a couple days from now. Just to clarify for you guys wondering what I'm talking about. (whoever reads this, that is. I'm more or less talking about people who only read blogs and have never donw one themselves, before. Yeah.)
I am typing these words super early on a Sunday morning. This will not be posted super early in the morning, though. Unless you guys live on the other side of the world.

I'm really bored. Which is just another way for me to say that I'm ansty and don't have anything, at present, to alleviate my antsyness. Oh well.

I'm also "bored" because I'm agitated right now. So I don't really know what to do. Oh well.

I have to go to work. So I'll leave some questions on here. Not like they'll actually be answered, I don't think anyone has ever nor ever will, read my blog. Yay...

Do you believe in religion?

What religion are you?

If you don't believe in religion, what do you believe in?

Do you believe in aliens?

What do you think about politics?

What's your opinion of a well run government?

Should people be given a higher level of input in government?

Now for something a little less serious.

Kirk or Picard?

Who shot FIRST?

Real ramen or instant?

Manga or anime?

What music genre do you enjoy listeinng to?

What kind of books do you like to read?

Who is your favorite author?

Which one describes your primary feelings/leanings that you go about life with: Introvert, Extrovert, Ambivert, Alpha, or Omega?

Brains vs Brawn, which one do you prefer?

Keeping other concepts out of it. Describe your perfect person. In just the physical sense, that is. No feelings attached. Just what a phyically perfect significant other would be to you. Please?

Thanks, have a good one! :)

~Storm out~

Ouch

My brain hurts. I don't really have much to put down right now. I still want to slam That Person's face into a brick wall. The feeling hasn't eased up at all. I seriously have a bad head ache. I wanted this post to be up yesterday. But I wound up having to work. Then I didn't feel like it until a while after everyone had gone to bed. It's roughly 1:30 am in the Central time zone of America. I say that because I like the Central timezone. I grew up with it. It's kinda weird. Oh well.

My head is seriously throbbing on me right now. I think I might be slightly hungry as well. So I shall go and have a bowl of cherios. Honey nut Cherios! Yay me...

Ya'll be good. I'll try to post some cheerier stuff soon. Really, I'll try. Thanks for sticking with me. Whoever you are...

~Storm out~

Another day...

I feel a little better today. I spoke with my dad. That went fine. I haven't talked to my mom yet. I'm trying to reign in the fact that I want to strangle her with my bare hands. So, so mad right now, and kinda sick to my stomach. Ugh, I can't think about this.

I only got to breifly talk with my older sister today. She forwarded the messages she exchanged with mom earlier today. Part of the reason why I feel sick. That's how mad I am....

I still feel lost. what am I supposed to do right now??? I should probably think about seeing my therapist again. Also I need to remember to make that appointment with the thyroid doctor. >.>

I'm worried about my little brother. I swear my whole family is going to drive me into my grave. They won't even know it. Mom probably won't even fully care.

Alright, I don't know that for sure. I'm just being blindly objectional to anything good come from her, about me. Or any of my siblings for that matter. She was always convinced we were all against her. She even said the freaking counselor was against her. I guess it's hard to take when what you thought you were thinking correctly, all your skitzo life, someone professional tells you that you just might be doing something wrong. Ugh...

I really wish I had a work out buddy. I have friends and stuff. But I just need someone to walk aimlessly with me, like for a whole day. We could make a lame adventure out of it. I can't just up and do this with my friends, but that's because their schedule is just as crazy as mine. We all are security guards. My one roomates schedule is more normal, but she does a bunch of vendor event stuff for things she sells and promotes. So some days we don't know when she'll be home.

So, I'll just aimlessly think about aimlessly wandering about. I need a break. I need a vacation. I need to break something against a wall. I need to excersize or someshit. I need to find my bible. I really do. That used to calm me down and make me feel a little less suicidal when I was living at home.

GRAH!!!

Someone just melt my mind with a laser??? Haha

~Storm out~

This is not what I can deal with...

This is not what I can deal with. At least I don't think it is. I really really wish I didn't feel so absolutely lost right now. Like, where are you God??? Right now I don't know...

You're probably not gone, I still believe that. You're probably just behind a million doors that I've recently shut in your face. Problem is, I don' tknow how to open them back up right now.

Right now I feel like someone sucker punched me. I feel like a failure too...

I had gone through this scenario so, so many times in my head. I had imagined myself in so many ways. From cold and reflective. To a rampaging body of pent up pain and anger. I've imagined myself and calm and collected slowly trying to figure things out. I've even imagined myself like this. Empty and speechless. Not knowing where to start. I had hoped against hope, though, that I would have been a healthy mix of everything. A healthy start...

But I feel sick right now. Sick to my stomach. I don't know whether to be angry or bawl my eyes out. I don' tknow what to do. I don't know where my bible is. i don't know anything right now. I feel so fraking alone, right now. I have friends. I have God behind those millions of doors. But i hate this feeling.

I feel horrible like I don't have a right to be this bad. No one is dead....except for me, maybe. Everything is fine, but also wrong. Everythign is falling apart, I don't know if I can take this. I'm a grown adult for petes jupiter's sake!!!!!!!!! I'll be 22. Maybe scientists say my brain isn't fully developed yet. Maybe that's why I feel so irrational right now. I dont know. I just don't freaking KNOW....

I wish I had a way to just disappear into a special capsul that was able to put things back together. But this is life. This is the world. THIS is what fucking humanity wants. THIS is everything I just can't understand anymore. Heck, did I ever understand it in the first place??? I don't think I did.

Please, someone, anyone. I miss everyone I used to know. I wish I could curl up in someones arms right now. But at the same time I don't want there to ever be someone like this. How much am I missing in this world??? In my little world, that is. How much is happening and go ing on that I don't comprehend???

It could be so much. So much that I'll never be able to get back. How am I supposed to learn anything. I dont' know how to open my eyes wide enough. I'm so scared of everything that could and couldn't happen. I hate my life right now. I really feel like jumping off a cliff. I haven't felt this strongly in a while. I need someone to vent to and just cry for a week straight. Then I need something to break. I need to feel a pain that is something other than the dull ache hiding in my chest.

It almsot feels like panic. Panic slowly beginning to bubble at the back of my throat. I still feel sick. I had food here, but I looked at it and through it in the trash. Everything right now seems a little dull. Why does it hurt so badly??? Is it because the chance of it reversing is still slightly there??/ Like the thinnest damn thread?

The true horror is the fact that the thread isn't going to last. If this happend. Why would that thread last??? She finally made her mood. I hate her right now I hate her so much. But at the same tiem, I don't hate her. How can I??? She's the only one I've known. I can't recall that far into my past. I could never wish for her to have been given to someone else. Because I know another person would not be able to love her the way that we do.  Because we were broken before her. I guess there is a kindredness between us. Even if it at times disgusts me, it is there...

Ugh, I just want to sleep for a week straight.

This, I was not made for this. The me that my mind can create was made for this. But when I'm brought back to reality, like this. All I know is I can never be what my mind has created. Because that is just a simple creatures wish.

Oh creator God. You love me. You love the world. You love the universe. You are our father??? Why do you stand back??? Why do I know the answer to that question??? Why does know the answer still not create any sense to it??? Tell me, tell me something. Please. I'll try, I don't know how, but I'll try to find the keys and begin opening these doors back up.

Until then, I will pray this. Keep them well. Keep it easy and careful. Let them make sense of this, through you. Please heal her mind, if she'll let you. Please heal her heart. Please heal his heart too. Please give him what he's been shoving away all these years. Please... I love them both. I lean a little more to him, but it had just been easier. I love them both... My heart is broken. I didn't realize how strong the hope had been, until it was shattered.... :-/

~Storm Out~ 

Been a while...

It's been a while. Maybe I should try to start blogging again. Yah know, a way to blow off steam. Or ramble without being told to shut up. Yeah, that's a nice thought, haha.

My mind is drawing a blank as of right now, though. Maybe I'll go to my recently made tubmlr account and start copying some posts from there. Albeit the posts from their will probably be short and not worth much. But it'll be something...I guess.

Why do I never keep up with my blogs anyways? I'm sure if I use my writers mind enough I should be able to make my boring, normal, human life oddly interesting.

Oh well, signing off for now...

~Storm