This is not what I can deal with. At least I don't think it is. I really really wish I didn't feel so absolutely lost right now. Like, where are you God??? Right now I don't know...
You're probably not gone, I still believe that. You're probably just behind a million doors that I've recently shut in your face. Problem is, I don' tknow how to open them back up right now.
Right now I feel like someone sucker punched me. I feel like a failure too...
I had gone through this scenario so, so many times in my head. I had imagined myself in so many ways. From cold and reflective. To a rampaging body of pent up pain and anger. I've imagined myself and calm and collected slowly trying to figure things out. I've even imagined myself like this. Empty and speechless. Not knowing where to start. I had hoped against hope, though, that I would have been a healthy mix of everything. A healthy start...
But I feel sick right now. Sick to my stomach. I don't know whether to be angry or bawl my eyes out. I don' tknow what to do. I don't know where my bible is. i don't know anything right now. I feel so fraking alone, right now. I have friends. I have God behind those millions of doors. But i hate this feeling.
I feel horrible like I don't have a right to be this bad. No one is dead....except for me, maybe. Everything is fine, but also wrong. Everythign is falling apart, I don't know if I can take this. I'm a grown adult for petes jupiter's sake!!!!!!!!! I'll be 22. Maybe scientists say my brain isn't fully developed yet. Maybe that's why I feel so irrational right now. I dont know. I just don't freaking KNOW....
I wish I had a way to just disappear into a special capsul that was able to put things back together. But this is life. This is the world. THIS is what fucking humanity wants. THIS is everything I just can't understand anymore. Heck, did I ever understand it in the first place??? I don't think I did.
Please, someone, anyone. I miss everyone I used to know. I wish I could curl up in someones arms right now. But at the same time I don't want there to ever be someone like this. How much am I missing in this world??? In my little world, that is. How much is happening and go ing on that I don't comprehend???
It could be so much. So much that I'll never be able to get back. How am I supposed to learn anything. I dont' know how to open my eyes wide enough. I'm so scared of everything that could and couldn't happen. I hate my life right now. I really feel like jumping off a cliff. I haven't felt this strongly in a while. I need someone to vent to and just cry for a week straight. Then I need something to break. I need to feel a pain that is something other than the dull ache hiding in my chest.
It almsot feels like panic. Panic slowly beginning to bubble at the back of my throat. I still feel sick. I had food here, but I looked at it and through it in the trash. Everything right now seems a little dull. Why does it hurt so badly??? Is it because the chance of it reversing is still slightly there??/ Like the thinnest damn thread?
The true horror is the fact that the thread isn't going to last. If this happend. Why would that thread last??? She finally made her mood. I hate her right now I hate her so much. But at the same tiem, I don't hate her. How can I??? She's the only one I've known. I can't recall that far into my past. I could never wish for her to have been given to someone else. Because I know another person would not be able to love her the way that we do. Because we were broken before her. I guess there is a kindredness between us. Even if it at times disgusts me, it is there...
Ugh, I just want to sleep for a week straight.
This, I was not made for this. The me that my mind can create was made for this. But when I'm brought back to reality, like this. All I know is I can never be what my mind has created. Because that is just a simple creatures wish.
Oh creator God. You love me. You love the world. You love the universe. You are our father??? Why do you stand back??? Why do I know the answer to that question??? Why does know the answer still not create any sense to it??? Tell me, tell me something. Please. I'll try, I don't know how, but I'll try to find the keys and begin opening these doors back up.
Until then, I will pray this. Keep them well. Keep it easy and careful. Let them make sense of this, through you. Please heal her mind, if she'll let you. Please heal her heart. Please heal his heart too. Please give him what he's been shoving away all these years. Please... I love them both. I lean a little more to him, but it had just been easier. I love them both... My heart is broken. I didn't realize how strong the hope had been, until it was shattered.... :-/
~Storm Out~
You're probably not gone, I still believe that. You're probably just behind a million doors that I've recently shut in your face. Problem is, I don' tknow how to open them back up right now.
Right now I feel like someone sucker punched me. I feel like a failure too...
I had gone through this scenario so, so many times in my head. I had imagined myself in so many ways. From cold and reflective. To a rampaging body of pent up pain and anger. I've imagined myself and calm and collected slowly trying to figure things out. I've even imagined myself like this. Empty and speechless. Not knowing where to start. I had hoped against hope, though, that I would have been a healthy mix of everything. A healthy start...
But I feel sick right now. Sick to my stomach. I don't know whether to be angry or bawl my eyes out. I don' tknow what to do. I don't know where my bible is. i don't know anything right now. I feel so fraking alone, right now. I have friends. I have God behind those millions of doors. But i hate this feeling.
I feel horrible like I don't have a right to be this bad. No one is dead....except for me, maybe. Everything is fine, but also wrong. Everythign is falling apart, I don't know if I can take this. I'm a grown adult for petes jupiter's sake!!!!!!!!! I'll be 22. Maybe scientists say my brain isn't fully developed yet. Maybe that's why I feel so irrational right now. I dont know. I just don't freaking KNOW....
I wish I had a way to just disappear into a special capsul that was able to put things back together. But this is life. This is the world. THIS is what fucking humanity wants. THIS is everything I just can't understand anymore. Heck, did I ever understand it in the first place??? I don't think I did.
Please, someone, anyone. I miss everyone I used to know. I wish I could curl up in someones arms right now. But at the same time I don't want there to ever be someone like this. How much am I missing in this world??? In my little world, that is. How much is happening and go ing on that I don't comprehend???
It could be so much. So much that I'll never be able to get back. How am I supposed to learn anything. I dont' know how to open my eyes wide enough. I'm so scared of everything that could and couldn't happen. I hate my life right now. I really feel like jumping off a cliff. I haven't felt this strongly in a while. I need someone to vent to and just cry for a week straight. Then I need something to break. I need to feel a pain that is something other than the dull ache hiding in my chest.
It almsot feels like panic. Panic slowly beginning to bubble at the back of my throat. I still feel sick. I had food here, but I looked at it and through it in the trash. Everything right now seems a little dull. Why does it hurt so badly??? Is it because the chance of it reversing is still slightly there??/ Like the thinnest damn thread?
The true horror is the fact that the thread isn't going to last. If this happend. Why would that thread last??? She finally made her mood. I hate her right now I hate her so much. But at the same tiem, I don't hate her. How can I??? She's the only one I've known. I can't recall that far into my past. I could never wish for her to have been given to someone else. Because I know another person would not be able to love her the way that we do. Because we were broken before her. I guess there is a kindredness between us. Even if it at times disgusts me, it is there...
Ugh, I just want to sleep for a week straight.
This, I was not made for this. The me that my mind can create was made for this. But when I'm brought back to reality, like this. All I know is I can never be what my mind has created. Because that is just a simple creatures wish.
Oh creator God. You love me. You love the world. You love the universe. You are our father??? Why do you stand back??? Why do I know the answer to that question??? Why does know the answer still not create any sense to it??? Tell me, tell me something. Please. I'll try, I don't know how, but I'll try to find the keys and begin opening these doors back up.
Until then, I will pray this. Keep them well. Keep it easy and careful. Let them make sense of this, through you. Please heal her mind, if she'll let you. Please heal her heart. Please heal his heart too. Please give him what he's been shoving away all these years. Please... I love them both. I lean a little more to him, but it had just been easier. I love them both... My heart is broken. I didn't realize how strong the hope had been, until it was shattered.... :-/
~Storm Out~
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