Days...

Just incase you haven't noticed from my posts, I've felt like shit lately.

I'm really sorry, I don't like feeling like I'm being a whiny bitch, or the possibility of depressing you all.

I don't take things well. I seriously, just the other day, wound up breaking down outside of my own fucking home. By own home, I mean the apartment I live in with my name being one of the two on the lease.

I broke down because I had had a petty a snippy moment with one of my room mates. I also had wound up making it worse when it hadn't really become anything. 

Then my over active brain just couldn't take shit, because that stupid moment hadn't even been my real problem.

My problem is that I'm depressed. Half is because of shit going on in my life at present, the other half is old demons mixed with the unknown.

I love my friends and everything, but they don't fucking GET it. But then I overthink and feel bad, because, what of they DO get it and I'm just a blind fool???

I don't know...

I don't freaking know, I never have....

But seriously, I broke down sobbing like a helpless child. Outside my own home. Because I couldn't force myself to suck it up and just go in. Because it didn't feel like home. It's just another place where I have to continuously pretend I'm alright.

Because I'm so afraid of not being alright. So afraid of the madness taking me. So I pretend to be crazy and hyper. Sometimes it's a nice feeling and genuine. Most of the tone it's a desperate bid to not become truly insane......

I broke down, because I am lost, so lost. Ifs been a little over 2 years since I left home. The biggest cause of my depression and pain.

But I just keep falling apart again and again. It's so scary when I think about how much that pain had become my definition of normal and my destroying strength.

I had been so much stronger, I felt. But really, the constant barrage just never gave me time to lower my walls, or see my surroundings.

I was the epitome of a ray of sunshine and happiness. I was helpful, caring, giving. Always had a smile on my face. Not the best at being an older sibling, but pretty darn good when it was needed. I was outgoing and a perfect people person. Other families loved me. Their kids thought I was fun and cool.

But I was none of that. I've never cut myself. But that's because I didn't want to deal with the consequences, if I was ever caught. So I substituted and drew on myself. I always had a drawing on me, whether you could see it or not.

I was never bulimic, but that's because I can't really gag myself. Even when I choke. I just sit in silence and try to work my throat muscles to dislodge the unwanted object.

I'm not anorexic, pretty much for the same reason that I don't cut.

I'm a binge eater, though. I had a system for when I was getting really bad. I'd draw a bunch of stuff all over my arms and go for three days without eating, then feel like I was about to explode on the 4th day because I would binge.

I've never really trusted someone. Yet I was seen as being too trusting.

I was homeschooled and pretty much didn't leave my house unless we had rare things to go to. Like a homeschool group outing or movie night for the teens. Or one of the several trips we made to the store. I still don't know for what it was, though. 

We had dogs, which was/is one of the few things that saved me. Loved my babies.

But now I'm free. When in not working or sleeping, I can oh wherever I want to, talk to who ever I want. I don't have to hide, right? 

I wish that were true.

I'm the nice friend. I'm the good person. I can't just snap.  Need to get over so many things. I'm not the only one who's had a bad childhood.

I know this, I don't think I'm the only one with a bad past.

But when you say shit like that, I feel worse. I feel bad for feeling bad. I try to be good and nice all the time. But everything is so weird. The old things that used to barrage my walls are no longer their. So everything makes it's way around those walls. I keep trying to step out of my shell, but I feel like a deer staring at disco ball headlights.

I love people. They're such interesting creatures. I love to see them smile and curious. I love children and babies. So much potential always waiting to be unlocked. I love the interaction with the

world. They make me laugh and satisfy the need to not have to always sit and talk to myself. Such uniqueness and complexity.

However, there's another side of me.

I fear people. So much that I can't just talk to a stranger. I abhorred being flittered with it treated like a piece of meat. I fear being hurt. I fear making a fool of myself. I fear hurting people because I'm a hopeless imbecile. I'd rather observe them from a dark corner....

There's a catch to this, though. If I have a friend with me or some kind of safety net I can lean on, wether visible to others or not. I can turn into one of those extremely extroverted people.

I'm loud but quiet. I'm hyper but calm. I'm one giant contradiction!

But forever, it seems, I'm sad and lost. I'm broken and worthless.

LOOK AT ME... I scream silently.

Forget me... I beg the ones that try to get close...

Because I'll hurt you with my lack or social understanding. You'll hurt me with your lack of understanding my depression.

PLEASE, don't tell me I need to just fight it and get over it.

What do you think I'm trying to do???

Why do you think I force myself to be happy!? It hurts do ducking much. Do you lot realize this???

I can't just learn it when I constantly forced to give you answers I don't believe.

Please, if I answer "I don't know" I'm not just trying to avoid the question. I swear in not...

I really don't know.

I wish so badly that I did, though....

I wish so, so badly....

I'm going to end this post now. I'm sorry for bugging so much of your time. If you couldn't make it to th end of this, I don't blame you...

Thank you for reading as far as you could, though.