My brain hurts. I don't really have much to put down right now. I still want to slam That Person's face into a brick wall. The feeling hasn't eased up at all. I seriously have a bad head ache. I wanted this post to be up yesterday. But I wound up having to work. Then I didn't feel like it until a while after everyone had gone to bed. It's roughly 1:30 am in the Central time zone of America. I say that because I like the Central timezone. I grew up with it. It's kinda weird. Oh well.
My head is seriously throbbing on me right now. I think I might be slightly hungry as well. So I shall go and have a bowl of cherios. Honey nut Cherios! Yay me...
Ya'll be good. I'll try to post some cheerier stuff soon. Really, I'll try. Thanks for sticking with me. Whoever you are...
~Storm out~
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Another day...
I feel a little better today. I spoke with my dad. That went fine. I haven't talked to my mom yet. I'm trying to reign in the fact that I want to strangle her with my bare hands. So, so mad right now, and kinda sick to my stomach. Ugh, I can't think about this.
I only got to breifly talk with my older sister today. She forwarded the messages she exchanged with mom earlier today. Part of the reason why I feel sick. That's how mad I am....
I still feel lost. what am I supposed to do right now??? I should probably think about seeing my therapist again. Also I need to remember to make that appointment with the thyroid doctor. >.>
I'm worried about my little brother. I swear my whole family is going to drive me into my grave. They won't even know it. Mom probably won't even fully care.
Alright, I don't know that for sure. I'm just being blindly objectional to anything good come from her, about me. Or any of my siblings for that matter. She was always convinced we were all against her. She even said the freaking counselor was against her. I guess it's hard to take when what you thought you were thinking correctly, all your skitzo life, someone professional tells you that you just might be doing something wrong. Ugh...
I really wish I had a work out buddy. I have friends and stuff. But I just need someone to walk aimlessly with me, like for a whole day. We could make a lame adventure out of it. I can't just up and do this with my friends, but that's because their schedule is just as crazy as mine. We all are security guards. My one roomates schedule is more normal, but she does a bunch of vendor event stuff for things she sells and promotes. So some days we don't know when she'll be home.
So, I'll just aimlessly think about aimlessly wandering about. I need a break. I need a vacation. I need to break something against a wall. I need to excersize or someshit. I need to find my bible. I really do. That used to calm me down and make me feel a little less suicidal when I was living at home.
GRAH!!!
Someone just melt my mind with a laser??? Haha
I only got to breifly talk with my older sister today. She forwarded the messages she exchanged with mom earlier today. Part of the reason why I feel sick. That's how mad I am....
I still feel lost. what am I supposed to do right now??? I should probably think about seeing my therapist again. Also I need to remember to make that appointment with the thyroid doctor. >.>
I'm worried about my little brother. I swear my whole family is going to drive me into my grave. They won't even know it. Mom probably won't even fully care.
Alright, I don't know that for sure. I'm just being blindly objectional to anything good come from her, about me. Or any of my siblings for that matter. She was always convinced we were all against her. She even said the freaking counselor was against her. I guess it's hard to take when what you thought you were thinking correctly, all your skitzo life, someone professional tells you that you just might be doing something wrong. Ugh...
I really wish I had a work out buddy. I have friends and stuff. But I just need someone to walk aimlessly with me, like for a whole day. We could make a lame adventure out of it. I can't just up and do this with my friends, but that's because their schedule is just as crazy as mine. We all are security guards. My one roomates schedule is more normal, but she does a bunch of vendor event stuff for things she sells and promotes. So some days we don't know when she'll be home.
So, I'll just aimlessly think about aimlessly wandering about. I need a break. I need a vacation. I need to break something against a wall. I need to excersize or someshit. I need to find my bible. I really do. That used to calm me down and make me feel a little less suicidal when I was living at home.
GRAH!!!
Someone just melt my mind with a laser??? Haha
~Storm out~
Saturday, May 24, 2014
This is not what I can deal with...
This is not what I can deal with. At least I don't think it is. I really really wish I didn't feel so absolutely lost right now. Like, where are you God??? Right now I don't know...
You're probably not gone, I still believe that. You're probably just behind a million doors that I've recently shut in your face. Problem is, I don' tknow how to open them back up right now.
Right now I feel like someone sucker punched me. I feel like a failure too...
I had gone through this scenario so, so many times in my head. I had imagined myself in so many ways. From cold and reflective. To a rampaging body of pent up pain and anger. I've imagined myself and calm and collected slowly trying to figure things out. I've even imagined myself like this. Empty and speechless. Not knowing where to start. I had hoped against hope, though, that I would have been a healthy mix of everything. A healthy start...
But I feel sick right now. Sick to my stomach. I don't know whether to be angry or bawl my eyes out. I don' tknow what to do. I don't know where my bible is. i don't know anything right now. I feel so fraking alone, right now. I have friends. I have God behind those millions of doors. But i hate this feeling.
I feel horrible like I don't have a right to be this bad. No one is dead....except for me, maybe. Everything is fine, but also wrong. Everythign is falling apart, I don't know if I can take this. I'm a grown adult for petes jupiter's sake!!!!!!!!! I'll be 22. Maybe scientists say my brain isn't fully developed yet. Maybe that's why I feel so irrational right now. I dont know. I just don't freaking KNOW....
I wish I had a way to just disappear into a special capsul that was able to put things back together. But this is life. This is the world. THIS is what fucking humanity wants. THIS is everything I just can't understand anymore. Heck, did I ever understand it in the first place??? I don't think I did.
Please, someone, anyone. I miss everyone I used to know. I wish I could curl up in someones arms right now. But at the same time I don't want there to ever be someone like this. How much am I missing in this world??? In my little world, that is. How much is happening and go ing on that I don't comprehend???
It could be so much. So much that I'll never be able to get back. How am I supposed to learn anything. I dont' know how to open my eyes wide enough. I'm so scared of everything that could and couldn't happen. I hate my life right now. I really feel like jumping off a cliff. I haven't felt this strongly in a while. I need someone to vent to and just cry for a week straight. Then I need something to break. I need to feel a pain that is something other than the dull ache hiding in my chest.
It almsot feels like panic. Panic slowly beginning to bubble at the back of my throat. I still feel sick. I had food here, but I looked at it and through it in the trash. Everything right now seems a little dull. Why does it hurt so badly??? Is it because the chance of it reversing is still slightly there??/ Like the thinnest damn thread?
The true horror is the fact that the thread isn't going to last. If this happend. Why would that thread last??? She finally made her mood. I hate her right now I hate her so much. But at the same tiem, I don't hate her. How can I??? She's the only one I've known. I can't recall that far into my past. I could never wish for her to have been given to someone else. Because I know another person would not be able to love her the way that we do. Because we were broken before her. I guess there is a kindredness between us. Even if it at times disgusts me, it is there...
Ugh, I just want to sleep for a week straight.
This, I was not made for this. The me that my mind can create was made for this. But when I'm brought back to reality, like this. All I know is I can never be what my mind has created. Because that is just a simple creatures wish.
Oh creator God. You love me. You love the world. You love the universe. You are our father??? Why do you stand back??? Why do I know the answer to that question??? Why does know the answer still not create any sense to it??? Tell me, tell me something. Please. I'll try, I don't know how, but I'll try to find the keys and begin opening these doors back up.
Until then, I will pray this. Keep them well. Keep it easy and careful. Let them make sense of this, through you. Please heal her mind, if she'll let you. Please heal her heart. Please heal his heart too. Please give him what he's been shoving away all these years. Please... I love them both. I lean a little more to him, but it had just been easier. I love them both... My heart is broken. I didn't realize how strong the hope had been, until it was shattered.... :-/
~Storm Out~
You're probably not gone, I still believe that. You're probably just behind a million doors that I've recently shut in your face. Problem is, I don' tknow how to open them back up right now.
Right now I feel like someone sucker punched me. I feel like a failure too...
I had gone through this scenario so, so many times in my head. I had imagined myself in so many ways. From cold and reflective. To a rampaging body of pent up pain and anger. I've imagined myself and calm and collected slowly trying to figure things out. I've even imagined myself like this. Empty and speechless. Not knowing where to start. I had hoped against hope, though, that I would have been a healthy mix of everything. A healthy start...
But I feel sick right now. Sick to my stomach. I don't know whether to be angry or bawl my eyes out. I don' tknow what to do. I don't know where my bible is. i don't know anything right now. I feel so fraking alone, right now. I have friends. I have God behind those millions of doors. But i hate this feeling.
I feel horrible like I don't have a right to be this bad. No one is dead....except for me, maybe. Everything is fine, but also wrong. Everythign is falling apart, I don't know if I can take this. I'm a grown adult for petes jupiter's sake!!!!!!!!! I'll be 22. Maybe scientists say my brain isn't fully developed yet. Maybe that's why I feel so irrational right now. I dont know. I just don't freaking KNOW....
I wish I had a way to just disappear into a special capsul that was able to put things back together. But this is life. This is the world. THIS is what fucking humanity wants. THIS is everything I just can't understand anymore. Heck, did I ever understand it in the first place??? I don't think I did.
Please, someone, anyone. I miss everyone I used to know. I wish I could curl up in someones arms right now. But at the same time I don't want there to ever be someone like this. How much am I missing in this world??? In my little world, that is. How much is happening and go ing on that I don't comprehend???
It could be so much. So much that I'll never be able to get back. How am I supposed to learn anything. I dont' know how to open my eyes wide enough. I'm so scared of everything that could and couldn't happen. I hate my life right now. I really feel like jumping off a cliff. I haven't felt this strongly in a while. I need someone to vent to and just cry for a week straight. Then I need something to break. I need to feel a pain that is something other than the dull ache hiding in my chest.
It almsot feels like panic. Panic slowly beginning to bubble at the back of my throat. I still feel sick. I had food here, but I looked at it and through it in the trash. Everything right now seems a little dull. Why does it hurt so badly??? Is it because the chance of it reversing is still slightly there??/ Like the thinnest damn thread?
The true horror is the fact that the thread isn't going to last. If this happend. Why would that thread last??? She finally made her mood. I hate her right now I hate her so much. But at the same tiem, I don't hate her. How can I??? She's the only one I've known. I can't recall that far into my past. I could never wish for her to have been given to someone else. Because I know another person would not be able to love her the way that we do. Because we were broken before her. I guess there is a kindredness between us. Even if it at times disgusts me, it is there...
Ugh, I just want to sleep for a week straight.
This, I was not made for this. The me that my mind can create was made for this. But when I'm brought back to reality, like this. All I know is I can never be what my mind has created. Because that is just a simple creatures wish.
Oh creator God. You love me. You love the world. You love the universe. You are our father??? Why do you stand back??? Why do I know the answer to that question??? Why does know the answer still not create any sense to it??? Tell me, tell me something. Please. I'll try, I don't know how, but I'll try to find the keys and begin opening these doors back up.
Until then, I will pray this. Keep them well. Keep it easy and careful. Let them make sense of this, through you. Please heal her mind, if she'll let you. Please heal her heart. Please heal his heart too. Please give him what he's been shoving away all these years. Please... I love them both. I lean a little more to him, but it had just been easier. I love them both... My heart is broken. I didn't realize how strong the hope had been, until it was shattered.... :-/
~Storm Out~
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Been a while...
It's been a while. Maybe I should try to start blogging again. Yah know, a way to blow off steam. Or ramble without being told to shut up. Yeah, that's a nice thought, haha.
My mind is drawing a blank as of right now, though. Maybe I'll go to my recently made tubmlr account and start copying some posts from there. Albeit the posts from their will probably be short and not worth much. But it'll be something...I guess.
Why do I never keep up with my blogs anyways? I'm sure if I use my writers mind enough I should be able to make my boring, normal, human life oddly interesting.
Oh well, signing off for now...
~Storm
My mind is drawing a blank as of right now, though. Maybe I'll go to my recently made tubmlr account and start copying some posts from there. Albeit the posts from their will probably be short and not worth much. But it'll be something...I guess.
Why do I never keep up with my blogs anyways? I'm sure if I use my writers mind enough I should be able to make my boring, normal, human life oddly interesting.
Oh well, signing off for now...
~Storm
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)