Dead inside...

I love christian rock music. My favorite christian rock artist is Skillet. They're awesome, if you ask me that it. I recently started listening again to one of their songs, Dead Inside, which, despite the title, is not a depressing song. It's more of a cry out to God. Even if some lyrics sound like something strange to say to God, like "Put your mouth on mine and bring me back to life...". But, if you think about it, it could be a way of putting "And he breathed into his nostrils the breath of life" in a different way. Yah know? anywho, listen to the song, I like, plus I like the sound they use for it. 

But anyways, I should probably explain about those weird words I have all underneath here. That's basically a story that I started thinking about and writing while listen to Skillet's song. It's actually a zombie story, now, what I have down there doesn't sound very good, or uplifting and what not. But, it's going to be, I just have a little bit of writer's block with it. Basically, I will tell you this, the story is mainly going to develop along the lines of one character, and other characters are going to intertwine with his role. But the main point is watching this character, trapped in a way he can't see a way out of, and constantly fighting and searching and trying to bring himself to salvation and fix a problem that he could've stopped but didn't. His name if Dane, and I'm going to go through an emotional roller coaster with him. At some points he'll seem like a dark and brooding character, at other's he'll be witty and smart, and other's he'll be a completely unreadable blank slate. And at still other's he will be a man, or a child. You won't know,  because he doesn't know himself. But God's going to be in this story. No, I'm not going to make him blatantly obvious to you. Because we go through life without realizing things about God that should be blatantly obvious, so I'm not going to give you a short cut either. But, enough with my rambling, please do read, and critique on my writing, not what you feel is a lack of properly structured-good for learning lessons, yadda yadda, stuff. Ok? Thank you! (the story/book title is the same as the blog post title)

Dead Inside

Dane looked down with empty, seemingly soulless, eyes. His target had been destroyed, and it hadn't been his doing. He slanted his eyes in disgust at the desecrated pile of what had once been something....no, not something, it had once been someone, then it had turned into something. Now? Now it was barely fit to be considered existing. Dane kicked in disgust at the pile and looked around his surroundings. He was in a seeming maze of desecrated and dilapidating buildings and broken roads.

Dane sighed, only out of tiredness though. He was always tired, so tired. But, what was he to do? It didn't matter. He had to fix this mess he was in. He hadn’t been able to stop this depraved thing from happening, so now he had to stop it from continuing. He turned and walked away from the pile of unknown ashes or whatever had happened to the thing.

He was tired, his small body ached, and his mind screamed for rest. But it didn't matter what he wanted, it stopped mattering a long time ago. He looked at his hand; it was no more than a child's. He clenched the small hand into a fist and walked on, ignoring the broken glass that lay on the path, that had once been able to be called a street. He didn't want to look at his reflection; it wasn't like anything ever changed anyways. It was always the same; a small body, belonging to that of a child, and eyes still seemingly large and wide, as if innocence could still exist within them. But it was all a lie. His body never changed, and it never would. Until the day he died, he would be stuck in this form. He had forgotten long ago what it was called, the reason why his body did not grow or become more. He had lived long enough to have a grandchild. But still the wide slate grey eyes haunted him, with the dirt and grime darkened locks falling in ragged clumps about his forehead and ears, framing his young, nine year old looking face. The only thing that showed his true form was the age which his eyes reflected from his soul...

His body went rigid as his hyper sensitive instincts suddenly kicked in. He dropped to the ground and rolled to the right. Half way back to a standing position, he whipped out a pistol from a hidden holster and shot off a rapid round of fire. He didn't stop to look and see if his target had been taken down. Just as fast as he had taken out his gun he whipped out a blade, it shone with a cold light and sliced as if it had been fresh off the whetting stone.

In the time it takes you to blink twice, Dane had sliced and destroyed his assailant. Blood, half blackened, had splattered on his face and now was dripping off of his blade and hand. An indescribable corpse lay at his feet. If one were to examine it close enough, one would find that it had once been what would be called human. But L.I.F.E had gotten to it. Lester's. Inphobic. Frantic. Eccles. 

Mindless living dead that was in no way predictable like the zombies of kids fighter games or the ones off of horror movies. These creatures didn’t all just want to eat brains or enact in mindless killing. Anything and everything that they did was erratic, and it always ended up in death. Either of an innocent or another LIFE mind.

Dane stiffened, but it was too late, the next thing he knew he felt a tear in the flesh of his shoulder and he was flying across the room. His head hit the wall with a crack. He felt a sudden warm trickle start crawling across his scalp, and heard the roaring sound of his blood rushing in his ears. He sat up and blinked his eyes rapidly, willing them to refocus on his unknown assailant. His heart was beating wildly and his vision wasn't clearing fast enough for his need. So, without hesitation, he brought up a second pistol, squeezed his eyes shut, prayed for a lucky shot and.....pulled the trigger.

“What was that?” Kelsey shared a frightened and confused look with her partner. A shot had just been fired, and she didn’t know where it had come from. Last thing she knew, this part of the city had been completely devoid of proper human life. All the ones who had not contracted the disease had been safely evacuated to sanitary safe houses across the nation.

Kelsey bit her lip and fought back tears at the thought of how far this calamity had spread. Just two weeks ago it had been isolated to just a small handful of states, but it hadn’t taken long for the weird LIFE strain to get loose and set the whole country in pieces. Millions had died, and millions were still roving the abandoned places, infected. Sadly, it was only proper to say that thousands were the surviving numbers.

But back to the mystery at present, the gun shot. Where had it come from? And who could have set it off? Kelsey shared another look with her partner, Cale. He had large hazel eyes and a shaggy mop of reddish brown hair crowning his head. He was only in his mid-twenties, but the half haunted look in his eyes made him seem much older. He shrugged his shoulders slowly, as if in response to her unspoken question. Should they check it out or continue on their way? For all the new it was some not completely lost LIFE mind trying to kill itself, or someone else. But, then again, it could be a person in trouble.

Going against the instinct to save herself, Kelsey decided to head in the direction of the shot. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she just walked (drove) away and she could’ve helped. Carefully maneuvering her Yaris on the debris filled streets, she made her way to approximately half a block from the direction she had heard the shot come from.

“You sure you’re ok with this?” She asked, turning once more to Cale. He nodded silently and got out of the car, reaching behind the seat and grabbing his sword before closing the door. 

Kelsey took a breath to steady herself, grabbed her 30mm, and followed Cale’s lead. Moving cautiously, they made their way toward, an old, decrepit building looming up in front of them. It had once been what looked like a butcher’s shop? Kelsey wasn’t sure, all she knew was that there was what looked like a few bullet holes in the front glass of the shop. Sure, it was a wild shot, but she had to check there first.

Cale and her moved as one, both ready to protect each other’s fronts and backs. Senses on fire, they jumped through the open door way of the shop, and froze. Kelsey had to stifle a scream of shock, the only sound from Cale though, was a sharp intake of breath.

There, against the far wall, slumped on the floor, was a child, with a LIFE mind slumped across his legs. Without thinking, Kelsey ran to his side, with Cale hard on her heels.

“Leave him,” Kelsey looked up sharply at Cale who was eye the LIFE corpses warily.

“How can you just stand there and say that? He’s a child!” she glared at him and proceeded to check the little boy’s life signs.

“What do you mean, how can I say that? For all we know he could be infected now. Frankly, the best thing to do for the child would be to shoot him where he lays, so he won’t have to go through the horror of becoming a LIFE mind.” Cale ended on a silent note, knowing that it didn’t matter what he said. Kelsey wouldn’t leave the child there, and was likely to shoot him before she let Cale point a gun at the boy.

Cale sighed, “At least give me your gun, blasted woman, you won’t be able to use it, carrying him.”

Kelsey smiled thankfully at him. Once she had ascertained that the child was alive and nothing serious had happened to him, she handed Cale her gun and lifted the boy. He was a weight, but she had dealt with worse.

Cautiously they made their way out of the shop, their senses even more on the alert now. Who knew what would attract a LIFE mind. Once at her car, Kelsey jumped in the front passenger seat with the boy still in her arms and Cale took the wheel. Once seated and strapped, Cale started the ignition and got out of that place as fast as he could without totaling the car.

Once on the out skirts of the town they were able to breathe just a little bit easier. Kelsey looked down at the child in her arms and felt her heart ache. He looked so young and had nasty claw like gashes in his left shoulder. What on earth had he been doing in that god forsaken place? Maybe he had been looking for something. A parent, or sibling? Perhaps any sign of something he once knew. He could’ve been wandering aimlessly in search of who knew what. Luckily for him that he had been able to shoot that gun…The gun! Kelsey mentally kicked herself, how could she have been so stupid as to leave it behind? She and Cale could use all the weaponry they could lay their hands on.

“We almost there?” she asked, looking over at Cale who had been very silent since they had gotten the boy.

“Almost,” was his quiet and closed response. Kelsey winced, she knew not to probe any farther, and she could understand his lack of sentiment. For all she knew she’d have to shoot this child the instant he woke up. It was probably futile, but she couldn’t help but always hope for something good. It’s all she could do to keep her sanity and not just decide to kill herself after all that had happened to this hell wrecked place. Glancing in the rearview mirror, she felt a shudder creep up her spine. Dallas…they had been in the deepest outskirts of that once great and amazing city. Everyone knew about Dallas, and the Dallas Fort Worth metro-plex. Now…now it was a desecrated ruin, over run by filth, animals, and an unknown amount of LIFE minds.

Closing her eyes tightly and hugging the child to her, she tried to suppress the memories from coming back to her. Everything had been so horrible, all the screaming and bloodshed. The children crying and the mother’s screaming in horror; everyone, everyone and everything; it had all been so…it was so-.

“We’re putting him in a room the instant we get back, got that?” Cale’s quiet voice broke into the swirl of terror her mind had been taking her on. She glanced over at him and noticed that he wasn’t as tense anymore and that he had stopped clenching his jaw. She leaned slightly forward and held the child fiercely, hoping, always hoping. Her only response to Cale was a muffled grunt. This child would be ok, he had to be…

Dane came slowly awake. The last thing he remembered was the LIFE mind coming at him and that all he had been able to do was let off a wild shot. Had he hit it?

Full consciousness came slowly back to him and with it was confusion. The last place he had been was a dilapidated old butcher’s shop. But as he looked up at the off white ceiling and smelled the (clean?) air. He knew he was not where his memory had left him.

Before doing anything, he slowly flexed his muscles, seeing if there was resistance, when there wasn’t he proceeded to sit himself up slowly. He winced slightly as the bandages shifted on his wound.

Wait..bandages? Looking at his shoulder he felt his eyes widen. Yes, bandages, his arm was bandaged. But, how? Had there been someone else in that pit of hades he had been wandering in? It was then that he noticed his clothes was different. The grey slacks and dirty coal black polo he had been wearing were replaced with clean, slightly worn blue jeans, and a soft cotton button down shirt, which had been left open.

Looking around the space he was in, he noticed it was a small room, a large, square mirror was on the far wall from the bed and there was only a door as a way out. He instantly recognized it to be a rough made holding room. The kind used to test to see if someone had contracted the LIFE strain.

“Hey there you! I see you woke up finally, sleepy head,” Dane’s head snapped around in the direction of the mirror; his eyes widening slightly at the sound of the cheerful woman’s voice.

“Wow, aren’t we a smart one.” The cheery voice continued, “Realized where you were instantly, huh?” with the last statement, a light was turned on in the room behind the mirror, and Dane was met with an unexpected and pleasant sight.

A young woman sat on the other side of the glass. Her rich, ebony black hair was cropped just below her ears, and framed her strong, heart shaped face. She had large, almost turquoise colored, eyes, with a small nose nestled gently between them. Her smile was warm and welcoming, and all in all, her whole presence was a shock to Dane.

Someone like that could still exist within the world of carnage he had been living in? He found himself just sitting on the bed, staring at her, at a complete loss for words.

After a few moments of silence, her smile turned a little nervous, and thus she decided to speak again; which only brought more surprise to Dane’s senses, now that he was paying full attention that is. The woman’s voice had a slight drawl to it, with a chipper twist thrown in.

“Sorry you have to be in there by yourself, but it’s only as a safety precaution, we have to make sure you’re alright before we let you out, ok sweetie?

We? She had said we, could that mean she had more people with her, or was she only using the word relatively?

Throwing out any thought of etiquette or manners, Dane spoke straight to the point.

“Do you mean ‘we’ as in there are more than just you watching me? Or perhaps you are only using it relatively? Please, do tell me. Am I dreaming or have I died and once again failed?”

At the sound of his voice, the lady had stiffened slightly, but he saw the strange emotion of relief flit across her face.

“Well, you can talk, but what an interesting way for one your age to speak. My, you must’ve been the brightest in your class.”

Dane had to fight to keep from bursting out laughing. He knew if he did that she would only switch back to thinking that he had been infected with the LIFE strain. If only she knew his real affliction with life…

Dane lay there silently, one hand behind his head and the other arm resting lightly across his middle. He listened to the whirs and clicks of the air being circulated through the vents. But despite his seemingly calm and peaceful appearance, his mind and thoughts were higly tense and agitated. They hadn’t let him out of the room yet. It had at least been three days already. 

They had even told him that they had found him uncontaminated by the L.I.F.E. strain!

So, he clenched his fists, what was taking them so damn long to let him go?! Was it because they didn’t like how he kept telling them that he wasn’t a child? Did they think he was delusional and bound to get himself killed? Dane sat up in the bed and shot a level eyed glare in the direction of the two way mirror sitting across the room. If only he could remember the name of the stupid disorder that had cursed him to this forever young, until the day he died, body. Then he could tell Mr. Dark and silent to look it up. He let out a disgruntled huff of air.

“I’m hungry,” he said, raising his voice enough to be heard across the room. He never had to let out an experimental call. Someone was always there. He could feel their eyes on him. It was a heightened sixth sense of his. One he had had to develop once the epidemic broke out. He scowled at the dark, unwelcome memory.

He turned his head towards the mirror, no one had responded. His scowl deepened. He knew someone was there, he hadn’t been born yesterday. Getting up from the bed he stalked towards the mirror.

“I’m hungry, please…” he exclaimed in a louder tone, slightly edged with annoyance. He heard a sudden clatter of what sounded like books being dropped by a certain startled individual. The light in the room was turned on and he saw a slightly sheepish looking, Kelsey. She looked as if she had been woken up, a blush flushed quickly across her pale skin. Dane almost thought that it was amusing to see her this way, but he ignored his amusement and simply raised an inquiring eyebrow at her.

Clearing her throat and  blushing again, she pressed the button for the intercom and spoke. “Ahem, sorry about that Dane, guess I dozed off for a moment there. I’ll get some dinner real quick!” and with that she hurried off.

Dane made his way to the table set in the middle of his room and sat down. There were two other chairs there as well. Kelsey and the one Dane liked to call Mr. brooding, would every now and then sit in the room and eat with him. Which only gave rise once more to Dane’s thought that they just saw him as an emotionally hurt kid, who was delusional. He sighed in slight resignation. He wasn’t going to get anywhere until he remembered. He only hoped it was soon.

A moment later his thoughts were interrupted by the sudden, cheerful, and almost annoyingly loud, voice of Kelsey accompanied by the sound of her partner, Cale’s shuffling step. Dane looked at them expressionless as always.

Kelsey looked down at Dane and gave him a big smile, never letting his unresponsiveness make her falter. She worried about him, but she also knew that constantly bugging him wasn’t going to help anything. He’d be able to think a little better soon. But for now he had to stay in this room, most of the time by himself. Kelsey had tried to work while in the room with him, but she found his empty gaze to be too  unsettling in such a close proximity. Eating was fine, a little awkward, but fun in its own way. She liked to see Cale and Dane size each other up. They seemed so much alike at times, she found herself suddenly laughing some of the times. That only would succeed in her getting weird looks from both of them.

“Alright my two moody men!” she began, cheerfully, “Tonight we have a special treat. While exploring this place today, I found a bag of dried meat rations! Isn’t that awesome? So tonight we have meat with our beans and bread ‘n’ butter. So, dig in!” she ended placing each person’s plate in front of him, and seated herself.

The beginning of the meal was quiet, aside from the never ending prattle coming from Kelsey. Dane said nothing and Cale would occasionally grunt in response to some things. Dane himself ate in complete silence. Ignoring the worried glances Kelsey now and then passed his way. He didn’t care how worried she was. It didn’t matter right now. Not with everything that was still going on in the outside world. He needed to get out of this place and get back to exterminating and looking for what he needed to stop it.

Dane was completely lost in his thoughts, until a word from Cale caught his attention.

“Wait, what did you just say?” Dane said suddenly, finally a slight show of emotion was replacing his stoic mask. Cale looked slightly startled and Kelsey looked please. Glancing at each other Kelsey motioned for Cale to explain.

“Well,” He began, slightly unsettled by the sudden interest the strange child was showing, “all I was telling Kelsey was about an old friend of mine who died young. It was back when I was a kid.”

“No, no, not that,” Dane exclaimed, slightly vexed, “I meant the word, what was that word you said, the one that sounded like pit- something, what was it?”

“Well,” Cale said, slightly annoyed by Dane’s blunt manner, “As I was saying. My friend died young because he had something wrong with his pituitary gland, it was over active; caused him to grow like a weed, and his body just couldn’t keep up, I guess. He was one of those giant types. They never live long…”

In any other instance Dane would’ve found it intriguing that Cale had actually said more than three words to him, but at the moment his mind was whirring with action. Pituitary gland. Over active…which meant Cale’s friend had… It hid Dane like a bolt of thunder.

“Hyperpituitarism!” Dane exclaimed with a look of sudden triumph on his face.

“yeah, yeah that’s right, that’s what it was called. But there’s no need to look so happy about it. It’s a sad thing; my friend was a good guy.”

Dane snorted in response, “Don’t be so simple minded,” He replied with a roll of his eyes, ignoring the red flush of Cale’s face, “I was not expressing joy in any way at the fact of your friends death, or what caused it. I was rejoicing at the fact that I finally remembered what would get you guys to believe me.

It was Cale’s turn to snort, “Believe you? You mean believe that you’re really in your forties? Look at yourself! What, do you think we were born  yesterday??”

Dane turned on him with a level stare, “No, I do not, but I do believe that you might have some semblance of common sense in your head.”

“Now, now,” Kelsey said, trying to calm down the situation before it got worse, “Let Dane tell us what he’s talking about Cale, no need to go around jumping to conclusions. And Dane, there’s no need for you to take that tone with Cale. Show at least some respect, please?” Dane looked at her and nodded, sitting down; he took a deep breath and began his explanation anew.

“First, I am sorry that it seemed I took joy at the expense of your friend, Cale,” Cale merely grunted in response, “Second, tell me this. With your friend’s condition. Did he look a lot older than his true age should reflect?”

Cale nodded, “That’s correct, a completely normal occurrence, with hyper-pituitarism anyways.”

Dane smiled grimly and continued, “Now, let me tell you something, which I would like for you to look up once I am finished. There is an opposite form of hyper-pituitarism. Much like there is Hyperthermia and Hypothermia, and hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism. There is also a hypo-pituitarism. Now, it is a rarer case than hyper-pituitarism, which is in and of itself rare. But, it does exist.” Dane paused for a moment here, looking at both Kelsey and Cale, seeing that he had their full attention, he continued.

“Now, I ask you one thing. Go into the database of the com putters within this facility. Considering that this room, which we are in, looks as if it was a holding cell for ‘patients’. Which ultimately means this was a medical building of some sort. I would, beg of you to go into the database and look up hypo-pituitarism. And tell me what you find. The symptoms and everything related to it. Look, it, up. And  then,” pausing again, Dane took a slightly shuddering deep breath, as memories once more tried to flood him.

“And  then, after you’ve finished with that, I want you to type this in. Look for the name, Daniel Alton Niles Emerson. Also, you’ll need to type in the code, omega-day-alpha-seen-delta-heard-gamma-done. Got it?” Dane looked at them both; he could see the confusion and wariness on their faces.

Finally Kelsey looked at him, “Dane, are you saying you have this…this hypo-pituitarism?”

“Yes, and since you know what hypothermia is, I hope you get what I’m trying to point out.”

“Well,” Cale said suddenly, chugging down his last bit of water, “it’s worth a look, and who knows Kelsey. That code that he just gave us might help with other stuff as well. Since he was so kind to give it to us we could at least check out what he asked. It might prove interesting.” Getting up from the table and clearing his place, Cale left the room without another word.

Kelsey stayed back for a moment and watched Dane. For the first time since they had found him, a little bit of hope, mixed with curiosity and slight unease, stirred in her. This little request could prove interesting, if anything else, helpful as well. With a nod to Dane, she followed Cale’s suite and left the room, clearing her space.

Once the door clicked shut, Dane sat back and surveyed his room. It seemed a lot emptier every time they left, but for once he didn’t think about that. Hope, finally a glimmer of hope shone for him. He was confident in what they would find. Also, he cade that he had given them didn’t allow as deep access as Cale had seemed to be thinking. Deep access yes, but there were places only Dane and three others could go. Dane, was the last of them.

Looking towards the door, a thought crossed his mind. If he didn’t to finish this, someone would need those codes; otherwise it would take over a year for the best hacker to break through, which could prove fatal, extinction wise. Extinction of the human race that is… Dane nodded slowly; maybe these two could carry it on. They were stubborn and resilient. They also seemed to still care about human life, a trait that humans over the years had steadily begun losing.

“Hmmm…maybe, just maybe,” he quietly mused to himself.

thanks for reading!

I am

A God project~

Storm out!

hmmmm

I dunno what to say today. Probably because I'm actually writing this at midnight and not 9 am like I have this set to post at.

I think too much. I think to little. I have no idea what the heck I'm saying. Oh well. That's alright. I just don't know what to put on this post. I need to go to sleep in a few moments because I'm waking up at quarter to five and this is posting at 9. I still love the fact of being able to post when I want. :)

I love cake, and chocolate. Yah know? Tell me, how many of you out there love cake and chocolate? I'm curious. mostly because I'm bored. Do you know how happy I am that God made a tree that produces cocoa beans which we in turn can make into chocolate? Something as simple as chocolate is so wonderful.

Tell me, how many simple things just out and out amaze you about God? I'd like to know that more than how many people like chocolate and cake.

I'm going to go now. Cause I have nothing really left to say. So I bid you all farewell, and until next time!

I am

A God Project

Storm out~

<3 <3 <3

What luck?

First, before I actually say something that might actually go with what the title of this blog post is. I must say this...

I hate infomercials! They are one of THE most annoying things to me. I don't really get it either. Is it because I'm acutely aware of the scams behind everyone that I see? Or is because I know people will go for it, spending needless money on items through the phone, items that you can just wait to get from a Wal-mart or Wal-Greens??? (I know, there are no doubt other stores that sell infomercial stuff, but those are the only two I'm presently aware of.)

But, back to my confusion on the level of how much I despise infomercials. It's a mystery. I can endure other majorly STUPID things that fly across the tv screen. But, something as simple as trying to sell something by phone just sets me off. Perhaps you think I'm a strange person with anger issues of some sort. Well, maybe I am. I have been told that I have unresolved anger problems most likely. But I'm still not sure on that. All I know, is that I need to stop ranting on this one topic or I'm going to throw a pie at someone.



Well now, back to the short little subject this little blog post was supposed to be about. I titled it, 'What luck?". Why? Well, basically to say, if there is any luck in this world, it seems to have forgotten me in the areas that I might need or really want it.

Like today for instance. There is snow outside. Now, you might be wondering why I'm upset at this. It is January after all, and in America January is one of the winter months. And since winter normally means cold and snow. Why am I complaining? BECAUSE! Today I was supposed to go to the DMV to take a driver's test. But, that was cancelled because of the sudden snow. Now, it's not too much, but since it's still so new, the roads are not properly cleared. Hence, the reason as to why I cannot go and take a driving test. Which brings me back to my luck problem.

When Christmas came, there was no snow. So, I say I had bad luck with my wish for snow on Christmas. And now, today, there IS snow. Today was the one day that I was hoping for no snow. But, did that happen? No. Why? Because, I have either mostly bad or no luck at all. Or, maybe my problem is that I sometimes find myself thinking about my luck too much?

In any case, all I wanted to state was that I have no luck at all. I  could go into sad sob childhood stories about where I never even got a chance to win this, or that. Or how I never got to spend money on those weird fair games. Or how I was so close to winning a whipped cream pie eating contest. I could make you cry a like. Ok..maybe I couldn't make you cry a lake of sympathy but you'd probably cry a like of mirth at the fact of how pathetic I am. **grins** Oh well, that's me. What can I do?

Nothing. I think that's the point. In all honesty I can do nothing to improve my luck or take away from it. Luck really has nothing to do with life. If life existed on luck we'd be forever doomed. Unless we all had really good poker faces. If luck ruled our lives, I don't wanna know the outcome. I find it frightening just attempting to think  on what it could bring.

Like: doctors when they're operating on you? Or pharmasists, making all those happy pills for you? Like say, heart medication? And not just that, if everything were luck and nothing at all had to do with skill or any other attribute that helps you along with life. I'd never get in a car again! Because, only if you were lucky would you know how to drive a car. Only if you were lucky would you make it onto the street. Only if you were lucky would you make it to work, or the hospital, or school. Or anywhere you were trying to go. I could probably go on for a while more. But I won't, because I know my short attention span will start thinking about something else if I dare to go on for another few lines about this.


All I wanted to point out is that, despite everything 'unlucky' that seems to happen to me, I'm glad that our lives are not ruled by luck. I'm glad that in all acutallity. Something far greater and more powerful ordains over our lives. Something that so many of us refuse to believe because we cannot fit it into the small spectrum of our understanding. Something that some even try to make out to be created by 'luck' or 'chance'. It's so hard for us to believe in it sometimes because it is both within the confines of our reality and without. It is both reality and naught. It is a lord of time yet exists beyond

times grasps. It can see a thousand years as easily as it can a thousand milliseconds.
This, is a being that many refuse to even try to consider, that it may exist. This is a being, that has done something that dumbfounds us even more with the profoundness of what it did. It loved and is love. It showed, was willing, didn't have to, could've ignored and just scrapped, us.

But...it didn't...HE didn't. It who is I AM, He who is not He. Father who neither male or of mankind. Being, who is love, reality, time, understanding, peace, mercy, love, grace. Being who only wishes for love and willingness to try to understand and faith, from us. Only these simple, little things. But...with our minds and our ever present yearning to control and understand in our way and no other. We, deny, shun, disbelieve, sometimes hate, love conditionally, or think ourselves greater and smarter than it. Than He.

By many names he is known. Papa, Aba, Father, Yahwey (did not spell that right), Lord, Master, Savior....GOD....or..something as simple as 'daddy'.
He does not look down and decree that your life should be ruled by luck and chance. He is not a being who only exists for himself. He is not a being who creates on a  whim and disregards in the same way.

He is ALL powerful, ALL loving, ALL knowing.
But..when pain comes, or our 'luck' fails us. We deny everthing and cast it away into a pit far deeper than what hell could bring. A pit so deep he can only keep trying to help us reach it and draw it back. Make it smaller. It's a pit that can't even exist within our being. Even more terrible then nothing.

If you disagree with me, that's ok. If you hate me suddenly...well (ouch, a little harsh?) I'm going to say that's ok but won't say I won't feel it. If you think I'm a mad silly person and find me amusing, that's ok too. That means you might keep reading! :D I'm not asking you to agree, I'm not really asking you to hear or understand what I'm saying. But maybe I am asking for you to listen? Mabye I am asking you to at least read it if you stumble on this page and not run away or decide it's too boring for your taste? Come on, give it a chance. Or, at least me for starters?

I don't know what else I should say. Or if I should say anything more right now. I'll give you a chance to digest this or whatever you're going to do with it.

So, I shall part with this. God is watching. Just like Santa only with a far better gift.

I am

A God project

Storm out~

Hmmmm, I should probably write a post about why I named this blog what I named it....

I think I'll do that some time later. Why? Because, I am a horrible procrastinator and love practically anything that has to do with Japan. How is that a proper explanation? I. Don't. Know. hmmmm, frankly I don't care right now. I never really make sense anyways. I just like to ramble on and about lots of things. What movies I like, things that annoy me, books I like to read, stories I'm thinking about writing, music I like or don't like listening to, my crazy family. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Or so...that's what I'd like you to hear and see. A silly girl who smiles all the time and just likes to ramble on and on and on... But, what you don't get, is that when I'm rambling. Even if my voice is loud and sounds joyful. There are many times, when you never know, that I'm actually saying nothing. All you're hearing are words to attend to your ears, and nothing else. What you're truly hearing, when I do this, is silence.

Emptiness, nothing. No truth, no hidden meanings, just empty words to fill the space. And...if you go deeper, you hear me silently screaming, a shout that you have to look for to hear, and listen for to find. (yes I know those words were arranged in a flip flop like order)

I talk, because I don't want it to be quiet. When the silence comes, that's when the shadows return, the dark part of me that you'll probably never truly see. The part of me that sometimes finds herself crying to sleep. Or the one that will sit in a quiet corner, reading a book or looking like I'm writing something, when I'm really just wishing, begging, over and over again, to die...

Buuuuuuuuuut! Don't get me wrong. I DO like to smile and laugh and sometimes be random just because I know I can make someone else smile. But I'm human, I'm just a simple human. Just like you. I get angry, I'm gonna cry. But...I'm relearning, again and again, to try and find God when things get to hard. Because, any other way, I ain't gonna make it.

I don't know about you... But, this is my blog and for as long as I have freedom of speech I'm going to write what I want and what I believe. I'm sorry if I say things that you (who ever is reading this) might not agree with or find offensive. I'm not trying to be offensive or cause arguements, I'm merely speaking.

Nonetheless, I hope that you at least find reading this blog to be intruiging in some way. Or, just a little bit of something to amuse you for a moment of your time? Either way, I would just like it if someone would at least look at my blog. Or, I will be forced to start my rambling in a way that will make you think that I belong in an insanitarium. mmmmk? yay!

Ah, and here I didn't think I was going to write more than a paragraph or two for the first blog post. Oh well, I don't mind. But, I will be leaving now. So, I shall amuse you all once again!

Good day to you all, 

I am, a God project...

Storm out~