Days...

Just incase you haven't noticed from my posts, I've felt like shit lately.

I'm really sorry, I don't like feeling like I'm being a whiny bitch, or the possibility of depressing you all.

I don't take things well. I seriously, just the other day, wound up breaking down outside of my own fucking home. By own home, I mean the apartment I live in with my name being one of the two on the lease.

I broke down because I had had a petty a snippy moment with one of my room mates. I also had wound up making it worse when it hadn't really become anything. 

Then my over active brain just couldn't take shit, because that stupid moment hadn't even been my real problem.

My problem is that I'm depressed. Half is because of shit going on in my life at present, the other half is old demons mixed with the unknown.

I love my friends and everything, but they don't fucking GET it. But then I overthink and feel bad, because, what of they DO get it and I'm just a blind fool???

I don't know...

I don't freaking know, I never have....

But seriously, I broke down sobbing like a helpless child. Outside my own home. Because I couldn't force myself to suck it up and just go in. Because it didn't feel like home. It's just another place where I have to continuously pretend I'm alright.

Because I'm so afraid of not being alright. So afraid of the madness taking me. So I pretend to be crazy and hyper. Sometimes it's a nice feeling and genuine. Most of the tone it's a desperate bid to not become truly insane......

I broke down, because I am lost, so lost. Ifs been a little over 2 years since I left home. The biggest cause of my depression and pain.

But I just keep falling apart again and again. It's so scary when I think about how much that pain had become my definition of normal and my destroying strength.

I had been so much stronger, I felt. But really, the constant barrage just never gave me time to lower my walls, or see my surroundings.

I was the epitome of a ray of sunshine and happiness. I was helpful, caring, giving. Always had a smile on my face. Not the best at being an older sibling, but pretty darn good when it was needed. I was outgoing and a perfect people person. Other families loved me. Their kids thought I was fun and cool.

But I was none of that. I've never cut myself. But that's because I didn't want to deal with the consequences, if I was ever caught. So I substituted and drew on myself. I always had a drawing on me, whether you could see it or not.

I was never bulimic, but that's because I can't really gag myself. Even when I choke. I just sit in silence and try to work my throat muscles to dislodge the unwanted object.

I'm not anorexic, pretty much for the same reason that I don't cut.

I'm a binge eater, though. I had a system for when I was getting really bad. I'd draw a bunch of stuff all over my arms and go for three days without eating, then feel like I was about to explode on the 4th day because I would binge.

I've never really trusted someone. Yet I was seen as being too trusting.

I was homeschooled and pretty much didn't leave my house unless we had rare things to go to. Like a homeschool group outing or movie night for the teens. Or one of the several trips we made to the store. I still don't know for what it was, though. 

We had dogs, which was/is one of the few things that saved me. Loved my babies.

But now I'm free. When in not working or sleeping, I can oh wherever I want to, talk to who ever I want. I don't have to hide, right? 

I wish that were true.

I'm the nice friend. I'm the good person. I can't just snap.  Need to get over so many things. I'm not the only one who's had a bad childhood.

I know this, I don't think I'm the only one with a bad past.

But when you say shit like that, I feel worse. I feel bad for feeling bad. I try to be good and nice all the time. But everything is so weird. The old things that used to barrage my walls are no longer their. So everything makes it's way around those walls. I keep trying to step out of my shell, but I feel like a deer staring at disco ball headlights.

I love people. They're such interesting creatures. I love to see them smile and curious. I love children and babies. So much potential always waiting to be unlocked. I love the interaction with the

world. They make me laugh and satisfy the need to not have to always sit and talk to myself. Such uniqueness and complexity.

However, there's another side of me.

I fear people. So much that I can't just talk to a stranger. I abhorred being flittered with it treated like a piece of meat. I fear being hurt. I fear making a fool of myself. I fear hurting people because I'm a hopeless imbecile. I'd rather observe them from a dark corner....

There's a catch to this, though. If I have a friend with me or some kind of safety net I can lean on, wether visible to others or not. I can turn into one of those extremely extroverted people.

I'm loud but quiet. I'm hyper but calm. I'm one giant contradiction!

But forever, it seems, I'm sad and lost. I'm broken and worthless.

LOOK AT ME... I scream silently.

Forget me... I beg the ones that try to get close...

Because I'll hurt you with my lack or social understanding. You'll hurt me with your lack of understanding my depression.

PLEASE, don't tell me I need to just fight it and get over it.

What do you think I'm trying to do???

Why do you think I force myself to be happy!? It hurts do ducking much. Do you lot realize this???

I can't just learn it when I constantly forced to give you answers I don't believe.

Please, if I answer "I don't know" I'm not just trying to avoid the question. I swear in not...

I really don't know.

I wish so badly that I did, though....

I wish so, so badly....

I'm going to end this post now. I'm sorry for bugging so much of your time. If you couldn't make it to th end of this, I don't blame you...

Thank you for reading as far as you could, though. 

Sixth senses

I'm combining these two questions into one post and making them one question, while still leaving them as two.

What's your opinion of a well run government? I don't know? Maybe not one run by 5 yearolds trying to hold up a constitution they've forgotten how to read?

Should people be given a higher level of input in government? Only if their willing to further their understanding of what a constitution made FOR THE PEOPLE BY PEOPLE is. Also, if they're willing to learn how to read better than the current 5 yearolds.

Fifth seat

What do you think about politics?: My younger self would have said I hated  them, end of argument. I still say that I hate them. But mostly I hate them because of the evil people use politics for. Ever heard of picking the lesser of two evils? I don't think that's a possibility anymore. The evils used for it just "greater" and greater each passing moment. I dislike politics. I abhore politicians. Mostly due to the fact that there has yet to be a truly honest or at least 90% decent politician.... :\

Another day....many days ago....

This is how I was feeling a few weeks ago. But I was too lazy to put it down on more than just my tumblr blog. But since I can't think of anything to put on here as of right now. I'll just put this down. I'm not really going to edit it so it makes sense. 'Cause I'm lazy! lol

Another day, another morning. Another moment in time where I realise I do NOT want to leave the comfort of my bed. Then I realize I have that person’s blanket on my bed. I don’t know why but having ti there makes me feel very childish. So I violently push it off and go get the blanket that the other person found for me.

I won’t get rid of That Person’s blanket, might just hide it in my closet for a while. Because I want to slam a brick in That Person’s face. I really shouldn’t. Thought I would be better. But I guess I’m still attached to human emotions on a deeper level than I thought. Oh well. I’ll survive somehow…

For now I’m going to be using The Other Person’s blanket, for a while. It makes me feel better. Everyone else seems to be taking this better than me. Guess I really am just a hopeless kid at heart.

That’s probably the exact thing that I’m hiding from. Cause I can’t remember exactly when I started hiding. I just know I was young and I haven’t been able to stop since. Yay me. Ugh.

Now I’m socially awkward when my extrovert side is raging to be let free. Also I look even more socially enept when my introverted side decides it doesn’t want to deal with the stupidity of people and really doesn’t feel like small talk and pointless social observations. So I curl up in a corner and stick my face in either my phone or computer screen. Or a nice college lined notebook with a pen that hleps me write smoothely.

I also, most likely, will have some sort of noise going on in the background. Wether it’s my music or just the sound off rain. I think I’m a pluvophile. I nearly had a freak attack when I first found the rain app on my computer. Then it was one of the first things I downloaded when I got my first smart phone. Which, believe it or not, I’ve only had my smart phone since January of this year. o_O

What the what??? Am I really that technologically enept as well?? Yes. Because I like to procrastinate. So, if I can’t immediately connect the need for an item, I just don’t get it. Unless it’s a book. But that comparison doesn’t mean anything. I always feel an immediate need for a book. The only time I don’t get a book is when commonsense bites me and tells me I need to be able to still drive to work, so I can get more money, so I can get more books, and random note books.

Quick, someone tell me the word for a person addicted to paper??? if my friends wouldn’t yell at me I would buy like five notebooks or journals every time I went in a store that had those items. No freaking joke. I WOULD and WILL. I adore paper. Pens as well. That’s why I don’t really like ebooks. Will I read online??? Yes, that would be waste of a good story! Why would I blaspheme myself as a writer and book lover by denying a story to be read???

Oh gooblygarble…. I need to stop writing. I think this will be the longest post I have yet written on tumblr. I gotta remember not to drown you people out. I know! I will end this post with a bunch of random questions. Why not? I don’t even remember what I was previously ranting about. I do that a lot. I drive myself crazier, sometimes. When I do that, that is. Haha.

What anime do you like?

What books do you like?

What manga do you like?

Does anybody have a recipe for authentic ramen, non instant???

Kirk or Picard?

What Scifi shows do you like?

What’s your favorite genre of music?

Who out there knows that a banana is actually a berry!?!?

Who shot FIRST?

Why do I think that my insanity is anymore special than any of the other nut jobs on this site(or in the world)? Also, have you ever wished something inanimate would start bleeding when you stab it, so you don’t have to deal with hiding a body and all that stupid shit people you kill leave you with. I mean, come on. Didn't you do enough work? You killed them, right? They could at least go temp zombie and clean up the mess for you. Geez man.

This, sentient creatures, this is why I am a Chatterbox!

Wootwoot, see yah around!

DAISUKI!

I call one of my friends Isis, in my head. She doesn't know I do this, though. I do it because my friend is a template for most of my strong female characters.

I also love the name Isis.

My friend should be happy I have her used as Isis’ template. Isis gets a dragon, is a seer, she also has power over mature. Like animals, plus she’s able to make awesome poisons and potions, with ease, because her powers allow her to identify any type of flora and control any type of fauna.
She can influence the other elements, but cannot control them. She can sense if there’s poison in the water and cleanse it, cause she has healing nature hands, bitches.

The thing I like the most, I’d that I made her a butchers daughter. Her whole being is attuned to the power of nature and life, but she is in tune with understanding of death. Only reason she is able to make poisons and still eat meat.

I like it.

There yah go, thought you might want something random for the day. =]

Quad

Do I believe in aliens?: Yes and no. I like the thought of aliens. But I hate what I know the human race would do if ones ever showed their faces to the public. I like also to believe that angels are actually aliens... Because the bible never said they were "human". :]

Thrice

If religion is not believed. What would I believe in?: More like hope that humanity wakes up and realizes it doesn't have to be the human norm to be cruel, deceptive, selfish and oblivious.

Second

Which religion?: True Christianity.....do you know what I, personally, mean? ;]

First

First question refitted so I can answer it. I don't plan on giving elaborate answers. :]

Belief in religion?: Yes

Imagine

I have no idea why I did that for the title. Or DO I??? heheh, you'll never know, now will you. Actually the reason I did that was because right at the moment that I was thinking what the title should be, a song I was listening to said the word "imagine". So, yeah, not everything I do is really that random and weird. It just comes out sounding like it is, cause it doesn't really make sense to other people. **shrugs** oh well.

I'm just bored right now. Like normal. I'm going to set this post to post a couple days from now. Just to clarify for you guys wondering what I'm talking about. (whoever reads this, that is. I'm more or less talking about people who only read blogs and have never donw one themselves, before. Yeah.)
I am typing these words super early on a Sunday morning. This will not be posted super early in the morning, though. Unless you guys live on the other side of the world.

I'm really bored. Which is just another way for me to say that I'm ansty and don't have anything, at present, to alleviate my antsyness. Oh well.

I'm also "bored" because I'm agitated right now. So I don't really know what to do. Oh well.

I have to go to work. So I'll leave some questions on here. Not like they'll actually be answered, I don't think anyone has ever nor ever will, read my blog. Yay...

Do you believe in religion?

What religion are you?

If you don't believe in religion, what do you believe in?

Do you believe in aliens?

What do you think about politics?

What's your opinion of a well run government?

Should people be given a higher level of input in government?

Now for something a little less serious.

Kirk or Picard?

Who shot FIRST?

Real ramen or instant?

Manga or anime?

What music genre do you enjoy listeinng to?

What kind of books do you like to read?

Who is your favorite author?

Which one describes your primary feelings/leanings that you go about life with: Introvert, Extrovert, Ambivert, Alpha, or Omega?

Brains vs Brawn, which one do you prefer?

Keeping other concepts out of it. Describe your perfect person. In just the physical sense, that is. No feelings attached. Just what a phyically perfect significant other would be to you. Please?

Thanks, have a good one! :)

~Storm out~